


if by chance

by goreyer



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But it’s there if you squint, Lots of Angst Though, M/M, Or Is It?, Pining, Songfic, Unrequited Love, Very small amount of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:20:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23389429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goreyer/pseuds/goreyer
Summary: Daniel had been staring for what seemed like an age before their eyes finally met. The blue washed over his brown like an overflowing lake onto fresh soil and with it took Daniel’s ability to breathe. He didn’t dare move; didn’t dare avert his eyes; for it was a dangerous game and Daniel loved danger. He had built a career off it.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 63





	if by chance

Leading up to his retirement from Formula 1, Daniel yearned for the sweet release of a quiet life out of the spotlight. His dream he had expressed to the media of escaping to Australia and living on a farm was every bit the truth of what he wanted; away from the glitz and glamour that really didn’t suit him at all, despite his cheery disposition. People expected him to stay forever, to move into interviewing or commentating like so many others just to stay connected to the sport, deciding that his enthusiasm would be equally as strong for driving as it would be for something related to it. But Daniel was tired. He loved Formula 1, always had and always would, but there was only so much his aching bones could take before it all became too much and his younger self would scream for a bit of peace for once. 

Which is exactly why he was irked to say the least when his presence was requested at a media event ahead of the season start in Melbourne. They had to invite him, realistically; it was his home race and there were only so many token Australians they could call on to make the night seem more authentic. He was asked to prepare a short speech about his excitement for the new season which was a good five minutes of absolute bullshit - he knew what they wanted him to say, all about him missing the sport and how Australia was one of the best tracks on the calendar. When in reality, he didn’t miss the sport all that much and each of his races in Melbourne had been underwhelming to say the least.

The years away from the spotlight had quietened his overzealous personality and he was no longer intent on being the centre of attention every moment. He had learnt to find peace in silence and appreciate the smaller things, like how the crickets sounded in time with a flickering breeze and how if you really concentrated, you could hear the distant sound of a running stream that trickled through the bush. Being suddenly reintroduced to a bustling crowd with chattering people and unfamiliar faces was a harrowing challenge and far too many of those people talked to him as if they were talking to the old Daniel. But it wasn’t him anymore. Charming small talk didn’t fall so easy off the tongue and flirtatious comments didn’t form so easy in the brain. 

He recognised Christian, who came up to give him a hug and ask how he’d been before being swallowed up again in the crowd of people and leaving Daniel to rue the loss of a familiar face. He longed for someone to stick to, to simply hang off their arm until the night was over so he didn’t have to stand so awkwardly by himself. His feet shuffled as he looked down at them, sliding over the dark wood of the floor, the pattern of which he had already committed to memory as it was the only thing to look at other than the expectant faces of people he had no intention of talking to.

**I can’t believe it’s been all these years  
I can’t believe I’ve cried all these tears  
My friends tell me I should’ve moved on a long, long time ago  
But what do they know?  
What do they know?**

When he hesitantly allowed his gaze to rise, it fell almost poetically onto the person he least wanted to see. It was impossible to miss him. At least in Daniel’s eyes, anyway. His hair was finally free from the confines of the stupid hats he wore every waking moment and was instead trapped with a thick layer of wax that kept any pesky strands from creeping onto his forehead. He looked different, in a way only experience with age could bring; hardened by the challenges that racing inevitably threw at whoever would take them without fumbling. His face was notably worn but not any less appealing than before - if anything, the addition of stubble and harsh lines in place of smooth skin and youthful chubby cheeks was a visible improvement and one that Daniel noted with a faltering heart. 

There were almost _too many_ differences between the man he knew back then to the one mingling with the crowds a number of metres away. For one, mingling was never his strong suit. His awkward nature had meant he had to often lean on others to lead the conversation and yet there he was, talking to others like it was nothing. And perhaps the most dizzying of it all, by his side stood a short brunette who he had an arm protectively curled around. In the space where Daniel once stood, in more ways than one. She occupied the space by his side and seemingly the space in his heart.

Had the shape of the space in his heart changed? Had it morphed from broad shoulders and strong muscles into soft curves and petite hands? Did she fill that space perfectly, or was it almost like trying to fit a square peg into a circular hole? Would Daniel still fit in that space like he did all those years ago? Most likely not. Maybe age helped him figure out that he wasn’t looking for protection, instead he was looking for someone _to_ protect. 

He had latched onto Daniel’s protection when it all became too much, and it was foolish for Daniel to believe it was anything other than that; he was a source of emotional support when the whirlwind was too strong and it threatened to sweep the younger man away. It was foolish for Daniel to catch feelings when all he was doomed to be was the strange thing between a friend an a lover - too intimate to be one and not intimate enough to be the other. 

**And I don’t mean to be selfish  
** **But my heart breaks every time  
That I see you smile  
’Cause I know that it’s not me  
Who brings it out of you anymore**

He flashed a grin in response to what the brunette murmured into his ear and Daniel was content to know it wasn’t a grin controlled by insecurities. Instead it was unapologetically imperfect in the most perfect way possibly, driven by pure, unrivalled happiness. Happiness that Daniel was no longer offering him. Happiness he was getting from elsewhere it seemed like. Part of him was glad; glad that he was able to smile that way without worrying about how he looked or how he would be perceived. But the other part of him had to stifle the realisation that he didn’t have an impact on that. Did Little Miss Brunette tell him his smile was beautiful more than Daniel did? Probably not; maybe he had simply grown into the confidence that came with winning world championships and being renowned everywhere he went. But Daniel was a pessimist now, and it was easier to believe the worst and be right than believe the best and be let down.

 **You found somebody new  
** **You put me in the past  
I don’t even know if our memories will last  
But if by chance it doesn’t work out with her  
You’ll always have a chance with me in my world**

So he allowed himself to clear his mind in favour of watching the smile dance across the other man’s lips - lilting every so often as he laughed at a joke or caught the eyesight of someone he knew. Daniel knew how that smile felt pressed against his skin, in fact he could almost feel it in that moment - feel the curve of lips against his neck, cheek, temple, anywhere and everywhere all at once. It was like fire dancing across his skin and leaving burns in its wake. Burns that would inevitably fade, just like the memories that paraded through his head.

 **I wonder what happens when you hear our song  
** **Do you brush it away or do you sing along?  
**

If he had noticed the song that was playing when they had kissed for the first time, he hadn’t reacted. Instead, opting to busy himself in conversation with whoever would listen. Daniel had recognised it from the first chord that had sounded. He listened to it whenever he felt strong enough to. Whenever he felt he could deal with the reminder that they weren’t a thing anymore. The reminder that his feelings were never reciprocated. 

Now when he would listen to the song alone in his room on the nights where his thoughts kept him awake, it would draw out memories of a woman in place of him. A woman standing by his side and cuddled against his skin. 

**Is it so wrong of me to hope she breaks your heart?  
** **Is it so wrong of me to pray she tears you apart?**

Daniel wouldn’t wish heartbreak on anyone, least not the man he once loved. But it was hard not to when all that he once had was standing in front of him, parading around a new love so different to the one he had before. She was too short where Daniel knew he preferred height, too smooth where Daniel knew he preferred jagged lines, too petite where Daniel knew he preferred lean muscles that rippled across flat abdomens and underneath the skin of biceps. Or perhaps his tastes had changed. Perhaps Daniel was a one-off. Perhaps masculine features weren’t the thing that got his heartbeat racing anymore. It wasn’t completely out of the question. 

Daniel had been staring for what seemed like an age before their eyes finally met. The blue washed over his brown like an overflowing lake onto fresh soil and with it took Daniel’s ability to breathe. He didn’t dare move; didn’t dare avert his eyes; for it was a dangerous game and Daniel loved danger. He had built a career off it.

“Max,” the words fell from his lips in a hushed whisper, too quiet for anyone to hear but himself.

Max’s attention didn’t falter from him, instead he seemed to stare more intently; eyes boring so deep into Daniel’s skin it felt like two bullet holes through his skull. Someone was talking to Max to his left, but he didn’t pay them even a single glance. Neither of them knew what to do other than stare. Daniel couldn’t even bring a polite smile onto his face. Max’s lips shifted in a movement that looked suspiciously like he was forming the word “Daniel”. It was too surreal for the Aussie to cope; the intensity of their eye contact was magnetising and the way Max’s mouth wrapped around the syllables of his name like it had oh so many times before had Daniel gulping against the sudden dryness of his throat.

He could hear the announcer saying something over the speaker system, stopping _their_ song as it did so. Daniel tried not to feel angry but it was futile. Around him, people were beginning to disperse from their groups and wandering in the direction of the main hall, but Daniel was standing stock-still - as if the overflowing lake had frozen him to the spot with its cold waves. He fought against the crowds of people that were blocking his eye-line intermittently as they walked; twisting his head and standing on his tiptoes in a fight to maintain eye-contact. It was a fight well fought, for Max was returning the gestures and frantically seeking out Daniel’s eyes amongst the masses. But a tug from the brunette had him stumbling back into reality, and he was lost into the throng of party-goers, blond hair blending in far too easily for Daniel’s liking. 

It was only when he was released from the sea blue of Max’s gaze that Daniel realised he was meant to be delivering his speech, and that people were walking to the main hall for that exact reason. Something inside him said he couldn’t possibly speak to a hall full of people, especially not when he knew Max was watching. But he was determined to not let his trip away from the comfort of his farm be wasted because of the desires of his own stupid heart. He needed to learn to turn it off. For his own health more than anything.

And yet when he was staring down at the gathering of people, all seated in endless rows and watching him expectedly, his eyes only fell to one. It had taken him an embarrassingly little amount of time to find the Dutchman, and as soon as he had, they had entered straight back into their dangerous game.

**And I know that in the darkest part of you  
You pray and hope and wish for it too**

Max had hardly blinked as he watched Daniel attempt to read his speech as animatedly as possible when his skin felt like it was on fire at the scrutiny. He tried desperately not to stumble over his words, but every time he raised his eyes from his script, they instantly locked on to the same pair of eyes he had lost when he looked away. It was just like waking up next to him, with the first thing he saw every morning being those eyes, watching him with such a staggeringly affectionate softness to them, Daniel could allow himself to pretend it was love. Was that same pretend love present in Max’s gaze then? Daniel couldn’t tell. However there was _something._ Something lying behind the glassy blue that Daniel couldn’t quite place. But was it love? Most likely not. 

And yet when Max finally conceded and turned his attention to the brunette next to him that was whispering in his ear, Daniel couldn’t see the same look in his eyes. They were neutral. Like one would look at an acquaintance upon first meeting them. And if _that_ was meant to be love, Daniel would have to reeducate himself on every sense of the word. Because there was a certain detachment there; as if Max wasn’t focussing on what she was saying; as if he never really did focus on what she was saying; as if he had practiced drowning it out like Daniel was sure he was doing just then. If he had to put money on it, he would bet that Max had not a single clue what the brunette was murmuring to him. Instead, he would bet that Max could probably recite every word of Daniel’s bullshit speech by heart.

 **‘Cause you don’t mean to be selfish  
** **But your heart breaks every time  
That you see me smile  
’Cause you know that it’s not you  
Who brings it out of me anymore**

As soon as he was relinquished from his dire duties, he sped as fast as his legs would carry him to the bathroom. Their dangerous game was becoming too much for Daniel to cope with; the electricity had begun to shock him enough to hurt and his bones were aching under the pressure of everything; of the memories that had suddenly begun to bombard his head and of the phantom feelings of Max’s hands across his skin. He cursed himself for not letting his stupid feelings go. It had been so long.

It had been so long since Daniel had held Max in his arms, sheltering him from the world and everything in it. What they had was everything and nothing at once; he got to love Max and treat him like he deserved to be treated whilst simultaneously watching him grow as a person. But the problem was simple. He was never loved back. It was evident. Daniel knew it even before he had confessed, he just needed to hear the words fall from Max’s lips himself.

_”I don’t love you, Daniel.”_

It was confirmation he didn’t need but got anyway, so why had he not given up? Why was he still so affected by the Dutchman to the point where a glorified staring contest had him clutching the sink in front of him for support? He didn’t know how many more times he needed to be rejected before he realised what him and Max had was more about emotional support than anything. Max would cry and yell on his shoulder until he was riled up enough to fuck and then fall asleep in Daniel’s bed, disappearing soon after the Aussie would wake. It was what happened every single time. And Daniel was stupid enough to think it meant something. 

He smashed his palm against the ceramic bowl of the sink and stared into his reflection with as much hatred as he could muster. He hated when he got like this. Hated when he allowed himself to get so invested in something or someone that would never pay off. He had gotten invested in the project at Renault. What did that get him? Races that ended without points and years of wasted potential. He had gotten invested in Jemma. What did that get him? A heart broken so severely it could only be mended together by the hands of a single Dutchman. He had gotten invested in Max. So excruciatingly invested in Max. And what did that get him? Some shags and irreversible emotional heartbreak that he still carried to that day. 

“You alright?”

Daniel chuckled. Because it was fairly hilarious. Of course he wouldn’t have been able to shake off Max for the whole evening. They would’ve always inevitably found their way back to each other.

“Fine.” He spoke through gritted teeth and kept his eyes locked firmly forward. One look and he’d be paralysed again.

Max scoffed, “don’t bullshit me. I know stuff didn’t end great, but you can still talk to me.”

That was code for _“I’m just trying to be courteous. Don’t actually confide in me.”_ and Daniel knew it. Not that he particularly wanted to confide in Max anyway; it was simply a disaster waiting to happen. 

“Yeah. Right.” He offered in way of a response, pushed himself off the sink and made for the door. The bathroom was too small for the magnitude of the conversation that he knew was on the tip of both of their tongues. He needed to escape. If only for a moment.

But Max pressed a hand flush on Daniel’s chest and applied enough force to stop him in his tracks. The Aussie noted that a number of years ago he’d have failed to even slow Daniel down. His rigorous training had clearly paid off. A huff left Daniel’s lips but he let himself be pushed. If Max wanted to have that conversation, then they could have that conversation. He had already resigned himself to guessing the outcome, there was hardly anything Max could do that would hurt him, because Daniel was already expecting it.

“Just fucking talk. If I’m making you uncomfortable then say and I’ll leave you alone, but don’t stare at me all night and not offer me an explanation.” Max sounded more confident than he did before. There was a hardened edge to his accent that reminded Daniel of Max’s father, only he hoped that was where the similarities ended.

Their eyes met again and Daniel felt like groaning in despair. His words had jumbled simply at the presentation of the blue eyes he had fallen in love with. Was it that easy to throw him off? Seemingly so.

“You know why. Don’t pretend you don’t, I know you too well for that.” Was all he could manage to shove out against the fuzziness in his head. 

Max’s confidence faltered at that and some of the vulnerability Daniel was all too familiar with appeared like a flash, the hand he still had pressed up against Daniel’s chest slowly dropping back to his side. His fingers had begun to fiddle with a loose thread on his suit jacket and Daniel could tell he was nervous. He knew everything about Max’s demeanour in all moods, and how to tell how he was feeling simply by his body language. And he still could, despite it being so damn long since he had allowed himself to truly study the Dutchman. He had wanted to learn everything about him, because he was so fucking in love with him, it seemed like the only logical thing to do. 

“Still? You still..?” Max’s voice dropped a significant number of decibels and the hardened edge was lost. Daniel wouldn’t have been surprised if it was an act all along. 

“Love you? You can say it you know, it’s not a fucking curse word. No, I don’t,” Daniel replied, brain running as fast as the Formula 1 cars he used to drive. “Well... shit. Maybe, yes. I don’t know! You don’t get to ask me that.”

Did he still love Max? Of course. But he wasn’t about to admit it when he knew what happened the last time he did. It had been almost five years ago and yet the wound hadn’t even begun to scab over. It was still fresh and painful, with the words seeming as if they had just fallen off Max’s tongue. But there was a softness in Max’s expression in that moment that wasn’t there back then. What before was betrayal and a disgusted anger, had changed so staggeringly into genuine curiosity and that strange undefinable emotion that Daniel had observed back in the main hall. He couldn’t for the life of him place what it was, and it was making his skin itch in annoyance.

“Why not?” Max offered unhelpfully, “why can’t I ask you that?”

Daniel almost spluttered at the comment. Max’s childlike ignorance was showing and it was beginning to wear away at his patience. He had to either be blind or stupid to continue to push and probe when he knew he was walking a fine tight rope.

“Because Little Miss Brunette is out there waiting for you and I’m in here alone.” Daniel said bluntly, and when Max’s eyebrows furrowed, he continued, “you’ve moved on, Max. And I haven’t. That’s enough to answer your question.”

He moved to push past Max but was met with a firm noise of disapproval and this time, two hands came up to clasp at his shoulders. Daniel struggled against the grip and tugged at Max’s arms to try and dislodge them, but what Max lacked in muscles, he made up for in sheer desperation as he grounded his back leg and gathered all his force together to keep Daniel in the bathroom.

However, no amount of training or desperation could match up to how fucking much Daniel wanted to get out, and with an almighty shove, he had Max pressed up against the bathroom door, eyes widened in something that should’ve been fear, but Daniel identified as more of an intrigued shock.

“Move, Max. Let me get out of here, I won’t ask you again.” Daniel sighed; he didn’t have the energy to put anger behind his words, he was simply too tired to engage in Max’s little game again.

But Max was bratty. Always had been, and always would be.

“No.” He said matter-of-factly. Somehow managing to cross his arms in the minuscule space between his chest and Daniel’s.

Daniel closed his eyes against the pit of frustration growing in his stomach, “stop acting like a baby.”

A second of silence passed, whereby Daniel could only stare at the blackness of his eyelids and wait for Max’s next move. It was tempting to shove harder and see how much pressure the door could take before it was forced open, but something was telling him to continue to entertain the Dutchman for a little bit longer, even though it seemed like torture.

“You still love me. You never stopped loving me, correct?” Daniel wouldn’t have opened his eyes had it not been for the hopefulness in Max’s tone. And yet when he did, a cheeky smile was plastered on the other man’s lips and Daniel realised it was just all one big joke for him. As it always was. As it always had been.

He applied more force behind his shove, finally sick of having to stare at the face of the man he loved more than life itself. It was like staring your greatest temptation in the face, but knowing you could never, _ever_ have it. Daniel felt like he was in hell, being punished for every wrongdoing in his train-wreck of a life.

Max scrambled against the movement and uncrossed his arms so his hands were free to cup Daniel’s jaw, in an way that was far too tender for their predicament. It made Daniel flinch and careen away from the contact, but Max instead held on and tugged his head forward and before Daniel could do anything, Max was kissing him.

He was kissing him with chapped lips that tasted suspiciously like blood, almost as if he had been biting them throughout the night, and a practiced chasteness that was so unlike any kiss they had shared before. But Daniel wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t going to be drawn in by the real-life siren he held in his grip.

“What the fuck are you doing, Max?” He hissed as he pulled back, dislodging their lips in an action that brought a dissatisfied whine from Max, “I’m not doing this with you unless you give me an explanation. Why are you in here kissing me when your girlfriend is out there? Jesus Christ mate, how many people do you plan to fuck over in your lifetime?”

Max’s expression dropped at that, and a frown tugged the corners of his lips down. Daniel _almost_ felt bad. He most likely would’ve had the feeling he was being played like a video game not been nagging at him from the corner of his mind. Perhaps he went too far. But he couldn’t even begin to fathom how possibly to respond in a way that was appropriate for the situation. He frankly couldn’t understand what was going on in even the slightest respect, and the constant changing of Max’s emotions was scrambling his head.

“I don’t want her to be my girlfriend,” Max said quietly.

Daniel scowled, “then break up with her or something, I don’t know Max, I’m not your relationship counsellor-”

“I think I want you instead.”

A silence befell the bathroom that was filled only by the soft melody of a ballad Daniel wondered if he would be remembering for years to come. He wondered if he’d listen to it at night and be reminded of a good time or a bad time. He couldn’t tell where the situation was going and Max’s face wasn’t giving anything away. It was void of any noticeable feeling apart from the same _stupid_ one Daniel still couldn’t decipher. 

The Dutchman was watching him with blank eyes, like he was trying to work out a maths problem in his head.

“You _think_? Max, I can’t do much with a ‘think’. You need to tell me what you want,” Daniel muttered, finally letting his hands loosen their grip on Max’s shoulders. The insecurity that was showing in every inch of the other man’s body told Daniel that he didn’t need to worry about fighting against him anymore. 

Max pulled Daniel in again and kissed him even softer than before. It was such a featherlight touch, Daniel almost believed he was imagining the entire thing. Like it was just a pipe-dream that he’d wake up from at any moment. Max’s hands had a barely-there hold on either side of his jaw and the swipe of his thumb against his cheekbones had his knees buckling. It was too much and not enough all at once.

“Yeah. Yeah I want you.” Max was breathless when he leaned back to whisper against Daniel’s lips, “I think I always have, I was just too stupid and naïve before. I didn’t want to admit it because I had told myself it didn’t mean anything, and you were always so synonymous with stability I felt like it’d ruin everything if something went wrong. I guess I was just too scared to lose you. Because I’d be losing my best friend too, not just my boyfriend. And that terrified me, because I can’t deal with losing things, you know? God, what am I saying, of course you know, you know me better than I know myself. I need you in my life, Daniel. And I’m sorry it took me so long to realise, I’m so sorry.”

Daniel let out a long breath and tugged Max in until his head was resting against the Aussie’s shoulder. He didn’t have to speak. He knew Max didn’t want to talk, he just wanted to exist. So he clutched the Dutchman closer and ran his hands through the clipped hair at the back of his neck, ignoring the fact they were in a public bathroom during a media event; ignoring the fact that Max’s girlfriend was back in the hall, none the wiser to where her boyfriend was; ignoring everything but each other.

And the song that played in the background, which Daniel knew he would be listening to for the rest of his life.

 **You found somebody new  
** **You put me in the past  
** **I don’t even know if our memories will last  
** **But if by chance it doesn’t work out with her**  
 **You’ll always have a chance with me in my world**


End file.
